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Caring for a Senior Loved One?

By Valerie Schlitt, Origin Magazine, Summer Issue 2005 Volume 5 Issue 2

Caregiver Support Groups: Who Needs Them?

How I became an incredible advocate of Caregiver Support Groups in one night.

Just last month I went to my first Caregiver Support Group. I sat with other adults who live with aging parents, spouses or other loved ones. These brave individuals had made the decision to let those they cared for live their remaining years at home.

But, none found it easy. That's why they spent an evening, away from the person who needed them most, at this support group…..to talk about their situations, and learn how to cope.

I cannot fully grasp the challenges each participant faced daily. I was impressed with their willingness to share concerns, irritations, and sometimes guilt. And more so, I was in awe at their resolve to continue a lifestyle they decided was right for their loved one, despite the sacrifices each clearly had made, themselves.

If I were any one of the group members telling the stories I heard, I would have cried. But no one did. They listened intently to each other.

An exceptionally gifted Geriatric Care Manager facilitated the session, and the 20 participants actively sought advice from her.

  • One couple cared for an older yet somewhat demanding father who could not be left alone due to the onset of dementia. This couple also cared for a special needs sister. Both the husband and wife were caregivers, although those needing care were from the husband's family or origin.
  • A man had been caring for his wife of 40 years, and for the past 5 years she hadn't remembered he was her husband. Still every night and every morning he kissed her three times, and when the weather was good, they danced outside to old music.
  • A single woman cared for her mother who could not be left alone, but would not "allow" her daughter to go on a vacation without her. Her mother treated her as a child, and the caregiver wanted so desperately to please her mother.
  • There were two other couples both caring for parents with dementia as well as special needs siblings. That made a total of 3 families caring for a senior and a special needs sibling.
  • One couple lived with an aging father, while they also continued to visit a mother who was in a nursing home. The mother seemed not to recognize them.

Most of the couples in the room were the sole or primary caregivers, despite their having siblings elsewhere who could also partake in the care or provide some respite. In my mind, these people were heroes. In their minds, they were simply doing what "was right for them."

The participants were glued to the Geriatric Care Manager who spoke in a soothing, supportive and inviting tone. This woman was knowledgeable about all the support opportunities in the area and freely shared advice on where to get some relief. She knew the psychology of aging. She listened attentively, yet added the right amount of levity when appropriate.

This facilitator talked about the importance of each participant taking time, if only 10 minutes a day, to focus on some hobby or interest that was "just theirs."

The conversation flowed. Participants became familiar with each other. I was inspired.

The Geriatric Care Manager explained some issues of the aging and caregiving processes. To my surprise, there seems to be a fairly predictable set of interdependent emotional dynamics in each situation. Of course, these dynamics do not look the same with each family. And more importantly, to those involved, it is quite impossible to step aside and realize what is actually happening.

I saw how participants took note of the facilitator's advice. I knew by listening afterwards that some planned to take very specific actions to get needed relief. Perhaps they hadn't allowed themselves to admit how much they needed a break.

I felt sure that the people in the room gained support knowing they were not alone. They saw that however difficult their day, week or month had been, others were having similar, yet unique challenges. Maybe in some small way, this was a consolation.

Since my evening with the caregivers, I have learned of the abundance of Caregiver Support Groups across the Philadelphia Region. Virtually every disease association (Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, ALS (Lou Gerig's Disease), Stroke, Heart, Arthritis, and more) has a set of support groups in the region. Many churches and community associations also have support groups.

Caregiver support groups are not just for people who care for loved ones at home. Many caregivers choose to place their family member in assisted living or a nursing home. They, too, need just as much support as the individuals in the room with me that evening.

Last month, I was an observer. My parents while in their 70's, and my 83-year-old aunt, all still lead vibrant lives. I know I am lucky to connect with them every day. One day, this will no longer be the case.

When the day arrives that I become a caregiver, I will certainly rely on support groups. No friend, no relative - in fact no one I can think of - could replace the camaraderie, knowledge, empathy, and release of tension that I felt in that room one month ago.

*Names and locations have been omitted and some minor descriptive facts have been changed to provide privacy.

To find a support group for your particular situation, contact Children of Aging Parents (CAPS) at 1-800-227-7294 or on the Web at www.caps4caregivers.org. Alternatively, ask your physician or perhaps more importantly, call your disease association directly.

Many support groups can be found using the Internet.

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